Flow like Watah...Give like Herpes...

I personally don't know what it is like to have Herpes, but I am aware of the timeless phrase, "the gift that keeps on giving". I sat at work today barely able to stay afloat when it came to the swamping of jobs assigned to me. I finish 20 only to recieve 40 more. The cycle is endless and if it weren't for job security, I'd probably set them on fire! But, I digress...

As I sat there, I wondered to myself, 'if i could be anywhere doing anything else, what would that be?' A pause and then..I'd be at the dojang, training! or at Crossfit, helping someone..ooohh, I could be running! Something like that..where I could coach/teach and not be stressed...hate stress.

I realize, as others have come to realize, that I have a knack for teaching. I like coaching someone to learn something new and progress past their limit. I hope to instill a discipline that I may not have but can recognize in someone else. Maybe its from my need to be in control or to be heard, but I think I can be quite helpful. In relation to HapKiDo, I can do better when I am helping someone. When I begin to focus on me and what I lack..I get off track...I get out of balance. The majority of my complaints were about me and my inabilities during my red belt year...and these moments didn't do me or anyone else any good.

I helped a woman at work today, and in hindsight, it might have been an extreme...but I think I would have been worse off had I not even stepped out to help. I believe helping, even if it may be too much, is still helping and and better than doing nothing at all.

God grants us opportunities everyday to give us what we pray and ask for. We have to recognize them and act. So, give repeatedly and give often. The universe thrives on a cyclic pattern of give and take. Just keep the cycling flowing like watah.

Winter Weight

On top of taking HapKiDo lessons, I partake in what is called Crossfit. Its a strength and conditioning exercise regimen that incorporates a number of plyometric and olympic style power lifts to develop the body's basic motion and weight bearing activities. The other day, we were performing a 'snatch balance'. This involves standing with a barbell (weight optional) behind your head resting on your upper shoulder/neck muscles. Then, in one motion, jump slightly into a squat while explosively forcing the barbell overhead...then stand straight up. I did this twice in a warm up and both times I lost my balance. My natural reaction is grip the weight tighter and try to right myself balance-wise. Twice, I had close calls,and each time I hear the guys yell "Drop it!" It never once occured to me to drop the barbell. The interesting thing I noticed, the other women did the same thing I did. There was one teen who also held tight to the weight rather than dump it. Of course, on the drive home, this got me thinking..'Is it natural for women/kids to want to cling and hold on to their excess weight? Or do men have a natural instinct to immediately drop a heavy load they think will hurt them?'

I have been practicing with extra weight. Not physically, but emotionally. I have held on to this weight rather than dump it because, I think, its a comfort-zone issue. I worry constantly about representing the art and school as a 1st Dan, and I don't get the feeling any of the other 1st Dans really think about it. (I have expressed this and often wonder if the looks I've been getting are actually hidden condescending nods, 'she's just being a girl'. She thinks too much.')
I had to give a demo the other day for a guest. My 1st Dan partner, who use to kill me, doesn't "attack" anymore. And I am so wrought with angst to do a good job that it comes across as mediocre. It is frustrating to feel like I am on a different page than the other students. I believe my mistakes still look like color belt mistakes, and when I ask, I get the "you look fine". That may be, but it sure doesn't feel fine. I felt great up until red belt. I use to feel comfortable with what I knew. I don't feel like that anymore. I often feel like a bumbling fool out there..getting hit in the face...it is truly bugging me...and I don't know how to fix it.
I am aware that my form of hiding from it is to teach the junior belts. I feel confident in teaching someone something, but I sure don't feel confident in executing said technique. Teaching, I am good at, this I know. I know I raise the bar too high for myself, but I tend to do it sometimes with the others. So much so, that I am not allowed to teach the first hour when new people are attempting a class. I run people off...but I believe the first hour doesn't do anyone good if they are out of breath after a few kicks.
I dont' know if I need to change and follow suit with the other 1st Dans or change to become what my expectations are...and possibly stand alone. I do know one thing..I won't bring it up at the dojang anymore..it does no good.