Giving with expectations will leave you disappointed.

"...the Ungrateful Bastard!" said my frustrated co-worker to her peers during a break. "I made sure he was taken care of mentally as well as physically and he can't even give me an ounce of respect, thanks...or show me love?! He only calls me when he wants some money."
"Well," said the male co-worker, "that's your fault. If you did all those things with the expectation of getting something back, you did them for the wrong reasons." Her answer was silence.

I sat across the room, listening to the exchange. I have come to learn that when you give expecting to get, disappointment is sure to be what is received. Conditions are conjured up as to how the 'gift' should be received. Scenarios are mentally rehearsed and choreographed and should be abided. At the moment of truth, expectations are fulfilled and you are left feeling betrayed when in reality, you never offered a gift...you offered a non-negotiable deal.

Interestingly, I found a parallel in my Martial Art training. I willful offered my time and enthusiasm to learning HapKiDo for the past two years. I devoted myself to the learning and planned my life's schedule around it. Of late, I found myself disenchanted and non-plussed at the idea of receiving a black belt at the end of the year. I did not feel ready. I did not feel that I have grasped the techniques boldly and consistently enough to confidently say "I am a Black Belt." I gave expecting to get. Although I knew being a Black Belt meant that NOW I was ready to learn HapKiDo and that I would be considered a 'student'; I expected to demonstrate everything I had learned with little to no mistakes. I simply could not get past this condition I had set forth in my own head.

I spoke with a colleague about the matter and in a roundabout way, I expressed my feelings about the approaching test. "You're looking at it all wrong," he said matter-of-factly. "Imagine you're a painter. You see the different colours and hues and the separate strokes you perform to make the painting. Now, imagine yourself as the art lover, who is in the gallery standing before the finished work of art. Yes, the different colors can be seen and the thousands of strokes used to create the forms...but they are all seen collectively as one picture...and it works. The picture is conveyed through the individual parts that result in the whole." I sat there hearing his words, but not necessarily relating them to my training. "At yellow belt, each movement is broken down into sub-steps. Then, at orange, the steps are combined to flow. Now, at Red belt, you've surpassed the sub-steps and steps, your "parts" are now within the "whole". (I literally felt the clouds part in my mind.) And to think...this was coming from one of my orange belts...

I had two ephiphanies today: First, giving of myself to the training should be purely for the enjoyment. The natural development of consistent practice and the absolute joy that is felt when performing the techniques and teaching will be automatic. Second, stepping back to see the whole picture gave me better insight of who I am as well as how far I have come in my training...and my life.
Thanks Eddie!

Cooking in the Dojang

I was listening to the audio version of Julia Child's book titled, "My Life in France". She was intriguing and inspiring, not only for her fearlessness with which she immersed herself in foreign cultures but also how she always found a way to look at the glass 'half-full'.

Over two years ago, I started taking HapKiDo. I wanted to be active and get some exercise and I needed something that had finite goals. Martial Arts seemed to be the best way to do both. I had managed to take to HapKiDo like a tiger in the jungle. It felt comfortable and natural. Now, just under the three year mark, I am approaching my Black Belt test..which is not really a test as it was given at Red Belt. This, however, did not make me feel any better. I wasn't excited and I didn't want to take the test. I didn't even know if I had wanted to continue HapKiDo. I felt as though I should have grasped the concepts and terminology AND the techniques with a firm understanding and perform in a consistent, stellar manner. I was not happy with my inability to act or react naturally and fluidly. This is not the way a Black Belt should look.

As I listened to the last of the 4 CD audio book, Julia imbibed her wisdoms and anecdotes throughout the chapters. "Never Apologize", she stated in reference to a mistake made in the kitchen. If it can't be fixed on the spot, chalk it up as a learning experience, and move on. She had worked on her project for a French Cookbook for the American Cook for approximately 10 years when she was told they wouldn't publish it because it was too detailed and overwhelming. She was saddened at the news, but said she was not filled with self-pity. She was proud of what she had accomplished and the work she did, because she loved what she did. Finally, it was time for her to give up her home that she and her husband had come to love and share with family and friends. She claimed that she didn't feel sad that they were losing the place because when an time/event had run its course, she simply moved on without regret or sorrow.

I see now that my time as Red Belt is fast approaching it final months. And, through all the moments that were spent training, and those that weren't; I must realize that those moments no longer exist but in my mind. They are lodged adjacent to the mistakes. Intangible and fading. As worked up as I had gotten about making a mistake during the 'test' or not performing to a standard that I conjured up in my mind, I realize that I could and can be proud of myself for my accomplishments. I don't need the Black Belt to validate what I know or the many months I sweated in the dojang.

I did not think that Julia's life experiences would parallel my own. Nor did I think that she would be the words of wisdom in my ears that were the 'a-ha' moment for me and my lulled HapKiDo pursuit.

Julia worked incessantly and with fervor when it came to cooking and dissecting the minute details of French cooking to please her inquistive nature of food. She enjoyed and loved it..before the book deals and t.v. shows. I hope I can be as true to myself and the love of HapKiDo as Julia was to her passion: a French Chef from Pasedena, California!!

Tis better to have lived, than exist unhappy and old...

A week ago today, I participated in the Fight Gone Bad. A gruesome workout that left me with the realization that if I ever got into a fight, I would have, at least, 30 good seconds...maybe a minute before I passed out from lack of oxygen and adrenaline excess. I was sore for a few days, but back at it again by Wednesday. I left the gym feeling not my well-earned 34 years, but younger. I don't feel old. I feel 'lived'.