Stop playing the victim

Still working on the balance.

I just returned from Korea. A very informative and fast paced trip. There are aspects of Korea that I admire, and then, there are some I don't wish to adopt. We heard many a thing on the history of South Korea. From my perspective, it would seem that Korea, or rather the individual that guided us, told the history of Korea from a more biased perspective. What I took away from it was the fact that they were "the victim", "the underdog", so-to-speak. I recognized that they had come from a hard life in the past, but I failed to recall anything that signified that they were now vibrant and moving forward. It was plain to see that life progressed past its former state, but that was not how the history lessons portrayed the sentiment. And, through all of this, I can't help but recognize such portrayals of myself to others.

I had a breakdown of sorts. During a two minute demonstration of my HKD, I did not perform flawlessly. I simply went through the motions. I blanked out during one technique and forgot where I was and what I was doing. Shame and embarrassment overcame me in that instant...and I did not recover. After 3 years of participating in HKD, I felt that I did awful...and I don't believe that to be overstating it. In comparison, I was playing the victim. I mentally ran over every excuse as to why I am not the 'flash and trash' type of HKD player, when in actuality, that was never an issue. I was "a victim" because I didn't have the right attitude. The shame came from knowing that I didn't practice enough back at my dojang. The embarrassment came from knowing that I performed less than what my teacher has complimented me on..and what he has bragged about me to others.

He told me afterward that I didn't embarrass he or Master Thomas with my performance...but I was still feeling awful because I should have never allowed such to occur. I should have practiced enough. I should have been in the present, instead of the past. I should have practiced what I preached to the white belts.

So, now...the important thing for me to do is to change. To not be the victim. I need to start to change into what I "should" be. And that may involve dropping everything else that is irrelevant to the big picture.

Live spherically...and without abandon

Six months in...

Enough has occurred in the last six months that I can recognize a shift/change in myself. I am not sure if it is age combined with wisdom, or if it is simply the truth surfacing. Being solitary is no longer scary. Being different from the average isn't as lonely. Being... has become a lot easier. I have also noticed a parallel between my training and my life.

In my training, I have been seeking to find myself in the movements. Searching for the nuances that make my HapKiDo distinct from other Black Belts. The phrase is "Make it your own." Often times, I wondered to myself, 'how?' It was clear that I didn't know who I was, in or out of the dojang. My shortened, stunted movements are my unsureness showing through. My insecurities are visible in my finishing techniques. My inability to 'flow' demonstrating my unwillingness to let go. Normally, I would be wound up so tight after having recognized all these roadblocks, but that is not the case anymore. In recognizing them, I realize I have to trust them. Believe in them. Nurture them. I am where I need to be..to change and grow.

In my everyday life, I have been expressing a need to cut from the pack and reach for hopes and wishes and dreams that were once mere ideas. Again, the three same roadblocks affect this aspect of my life as well. Being unsure, insecure and stagnant kept me from moving forward. I would approach a new rung on the ladder of my goal and find myself worried about the distance I have already traveled...the possibility of instability the higher I rose. I found my desires abate because of the slightest resistance, and I would wonder if I was completely wrong from the beginning. That maybe, I was chasing the wrong dream. But, that wasn't the case. You see, my goals and dreams were correct because they were mine. What was missing was balance.

Balance, what I have learned, is what I needed the most to achieve these new goals. Moving forward, upward or outward to achieve a goal is good. But each cannot sustain alone. The balance of moving in three directions not only provides a solid base, it will lend itself to a finite point that is deliberate in its aim to the target.

Forward: continuing with the next technique regardless of the last technique performed...as time and perserverence will lend it self to proper form and technique.

Upward: seeking more wisdom and knowledge from those ahead of me that will help to shape my techniques, of which will soon become my own.

Outward: Share. Share what I have learned, express what I have learned and live what I have learned on a daily basis.

By doing all three, on a daily basis, I will not only make my HapKido 'my own', but my life will be 'all my own'.

"I" in Team??

I have found that since getting my Black Belt, I have experienced instances in which I have lost my humility. I begin to feel strong and vibrant an alive, full of that spirit that i had as a young and hopeful woman, only to be reminded that I have overstepped my place...again. These moments are made clear to me in the most subtle ways, which are the worst. I'd much rather be yelled at or maybe not given room to be bold. I like to teach, but who am I to teach at 1st Dan. I only grasped basic motion...not the techniques, as it were. If I had, I wouldn't have made the mistake of teaching something that Chief wasn't teaching. I wouldn't have confused the junior belts. I lost my sense of humility...and, unfortunately, it isn't isolated to the dojang.

I try my hardest to be cool about things...I haven't complained or argued over things as I had before. I am trying to just go with the flow. I'm not really sure how to balance it all. I can't ask anyone..I just get blank stares. How does one handle the need to fix things, to make things right, to be clear in method and approach? How does one stay true to one's self and still be team player? (Its amazing how the week started out on a high...then sunk to a new depth)

Becoming a Superhero...one step at a time.

Epiphany!...My "A-HA" Moment for this week:

Self-doubt in many things can lead to stagnation and fear. The trick to overcoming it...tell someone! Don't hold it in, don't try to fix it yourself. Even Superheroes are assisted by the innocent bystander that shouts, "He went that way!" Let a friend or Mentor steer you in the right direction. And, most importantly, don't let anyone steer you away from what you know and feel is right...regardless of their 'good intentions' and jovial behavior towards what you just told them.

What? Me worry?

Well, I am now 4 months in my current rank as 1st Dan. It is going by somewhat fast, as I don't think about it much. The new belt is slowly breaking-in and not as stiff as it once was. I was invited by Chief to go on a road trip. We, along with Dr. Collip and Tory aka: "Ken Scribble", instructed a few techniques. I choked a few pre-teens who fearful requested I not choke them again...ah, the memories!

I can tell you that the old worries I had in past entries are pushed back to the dark recesses of my mind now. I chose to stop complaining, stop worrying. It should all work itself out in time. It was nice to hear from a Blue Belt that the worries I had had, were actually things I happened to be doing without realizing it. "Whodya thunk it?" Muscle memory is kicking in!

Tigers do it with a ROAR!!!

"Hi. I'm Alex...and I'm an addict...of Hapkido and Crossfit, that is."

Its been weeks since I last posted and since then, I have been dealing with school, feelings of "blah", snow!, and work, and more "blah". I have been trying to ponder the meaning of my life only to end up at the bottom of a cup/pint of ice cream..I know, don't say it.

I have been battling this notion...idea that I am lacking in areas in Hapkido and Crossfit that I need to fix and overcome. Again, the "Not feeling good enough" thoughts have been lurking. Fastforward to this morning with me in front of the computer watching Crossfit videos. A short clip of a coach instructing clients at a Level 1 cert. He said something to the group that was a bit of a slap in the face. Much so, because, the words are how I 'approach' a new student/beginner, but I do not apply it to myself. He said, "Focus on what you can do, not what you can't do."
I realized, my past posts were me focusing on what I couldn't do, not what I could do. I put my energy in the wrong areas. Same with Crossfit. I focused on the fact that I couldn't do a kipping pull up, when, in the grand scheme of things, it isn't so much if I ever get the kip as it is that I am there trying. (I will get the kip, though, trust!)

After being dumped on New Years Day, the year has been mundane and lackluster. Now, however, I feel a bit of the haze starting to lift. Today is the start of the Year of the Tiger in the Chinese Zodiac. Its my year!!! And this Kitty has her claws out! No more being timid. No more worrying about sticking my paw in my mouth. I'm going for what I know and do best. Watch out, world! A Tiger is on the loose!!

Flow like Watah...Give like Herpes...

I personally don't know what it is like to have Herpes, but I am aware of the timeless phrase, "the gift that keeps on giving". I sat at work today barely able to stay afloat when it came to the swamping of jobs assigned to me. I finish 20 only to recieve 40 more. The cycle is endless and if it weren't for job security, I'd probably set them on fire! But, I digress...

As I sat there, I wondered to myself, 'if i could be anywhere doing anything else, what would that be?' A pause and then..I'd be at the dojang, training! or at Crossfit, helping someone..ooohh, I could be running! Something like that..where I could coach/teach and not be stressed...hate stress.

I realize, as others have come to realize, that I have a knack for teaching. I like coaching someone to learn something new and progress past their limit. I hope to instill a discipline that I may not have but can recognize in someone else. Maybe its from my need to be in control or to be heard, but I think I can be quite helpful. In relation to HapKiDo, I can do better when I am helping someone. When I begin to focus on me and what I lack..I get off track...I get out of balance. The majority of my complaints were about me and my inabilities during my red belt year...and these moments didn't do me or anyone else any good.

I helped a woman at work today, and in hindsight, it might have been an extreme...but I think I would have been worse off had I not even stepped out to help. I believe helping, even if it may be too much, is still helping and and better than doing nothing at all.

God grants us opportunities everyday to give us what we pray and ask for. We have to recognize them and act. So, give repeatedly and give often. The universe thrives on a cyclic pattern of give and take. Just keep the cycling flowing like watah.

Winter Weight

On top of taking HapKiDo lessons, I partake in what is called Crossfit. Its a strength and conditioning exercise regimen that incorporates a number of plyometric and olympic style power lifts to develop the body's basic motion and weight bearing activities. The other day, we were performing a 'snatch balance'. This involves standing with a barbell (weight optional) behind your head resting on your upper shoulder/neck muscles. Then, in one motion, jump slightly into a squat while explosively forcing the barbell overhead...then stand straight up. I did this twice in a warm up and both times I lost my balance. My natural reaction is grip the weight tighter and try to right myself balance-wise. Twice, I had close calls,and each time I hear the guys yell "Drop it!" It never once occured to me to drop the barbell. The interesting thing I noticed, the other women did the same thing I did. There was one teen who also held tight to the weight rather than dump it. Of course, on the drive home, this got me thinking..'Is it natural for women/kids to want to cling and hold on to their excess weight? Or do men have a natural instinct to immediately drop a heavy load they think will hurt them?'

I have been practicing with extra weight. Not physically, but emotionally. I have held on to this weight rather than dump it because, I think, its a comfort-zone issue. I worry constantly about representing the art and school as a 1st Dan, and I don't get the feeling any of the other 1st Dans really think about it. (I have expressed this and often wonder if the looks I've been getting are actually hidden condescending nods, 'she's just being a girl'. She thinks too much.')
I had to give a demo the other day for a guest. My 1st Dan partner, who use to kill me, doesn't "attack" anymore. And I am so wrought with angst to do a good job that it comes across as mediocre. It is frustrating to feel like I am on a different page than the other students. I believe my mistakes still look like color belt mistakes, and when I ask, I get the "you look fine". That may be, but it sure doesn't feel fine. I felt great up until red belt. I use to feel comfortable with what I knew. I don't feel like that anymore. I often feel like a bumbling fool out there..getting hit in the face...it is truly bugging me...and I don't know how to fix it.
I am aware that my form of hiding from it is to teach the junior belts. I feel confident in teaching someone something, but I sure don't feel confident in executing said technique. Teaching, I am good at, this I know. I know I raise the bar too high for myself, but I tend to do it sometimes with the others. So much so, that I am not allowed to teach the first hour when new people are attempting a class. I run people off...but I believe the first hour doesn't do anyone good if they are out of breath after a few kicks.
I dont' know if I need to change and follow suit with the other 1st Dans or change to become what my expectations are...and possibly stand alone. I do know one thing..I won't bring it up at the dojang anymore..it does no good.