Stop playing the victim

Still working on the balance.

I just returned from Korea. A very informative and fast paced trip. There are aspects of Korea that I admire, and then, there are some I don't wish to adopt. We heard many a thing on the history of South Korea. From my perspective, it would seem that Korea, or rather the individual that guided us, told the history of Korea from a more biased perspective. What I took away from it was the fact that they were "the victim", "the underdog", so-to-speak. I recognized that they had come from a hard life in the past, but I failed to recall anything that signified that they were now vibrant and moving forward. It was plain to see that life progressed past its former state, but that was not how the history lessons portrayed the sentiment. And, through all of this, I can't help but recognize such portrayals of myself to others.

I had a breakdown of sorts. During a two minute demonstration of my HKD, I did not perform flawlessly. I simply went through the motions. I blanked out during one technique and forgot where I was and what I was doing. Shame and embarrassment overcame me in that instant...and I did not recover. After 3 years of participating in HKD, I felt that I did awful...and I don't believe that to be overstating it. In comparison, I was playing the victim. I mentally ran over every excuse as to why I am not the 'flash and trash' type of HKD player, when in actuality, that was never an issue. I was "a victim" because I didn't have the right attitude. The shame came from knowing that I didn't practice enough back at my dojang. The embarrassment came from knowing that I performed less than what my teacher has complimented me on..and what he has bragged about me to others.

He told me afterward that I didn't embarrass he or Master Thomas with my performance...but I was still feeling awful because I should have never allowed such to occur. I should have practiced enough. I should have been in the present, instead of the past. I should have practiced what I preached to the white belts.

So, now...the important thing for me to do is to change. To not be the victim. I need to start to change into what I "should" be. And that may involve dropping everything else that is irrelevant to the big picture.