"...don't waste it away...don't look at it like it's forever. Between you and me, I can honestly say, that things can only get better."
For some reason, those lyrics continue playing over and over again....go figure.
Saturday, April 02, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Ring of Fire
If you watch carefully, sometimes you can see a dark storm brewing behind her tight grin. Faintly, as she drops her gaze, you might hear a quiet cry of disappointment or resentment. It can be mistook for disinterest, but the words that follow the gaze will indicate how much disappointment or resentment resides in the fibers. The words can be sharp, slicing into the false negatives that linger in the air, or, they can be defiant and proud, standing firm like a brick wall to prevent penetration or seepage of further hurt and ridicule - a personal manifesto outwardly displayed with a chin tilt upward and a lift in the carraige.
Despite the momentary win of the battle, the war rages on within the mind. The heart knows not how to rectify the slight wound but the scar tissue surrounding it will see to it that it is protected. And the storm that churns beneath the permeable layers may rise and fall with the tides of rain.
Despite the momentary win of the battle, the war rages on within the mind. The heart knows not how to rectify the slight wound but the scar tissue surrounding it will see to it that it is protected. And the storm that churns beneath the permeable layers may rise and fall with the tides of rain.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
"She's Waiting"
Waiting is not always passive. It can be rather active.
We sat there, on two chairs, facing the young TKD kids class going on. Both of us were tired from the talk-fest of the night before. We had the desire to get on the mat and play, but we waited. The snacks we had consumed earlier we given a bit more time to seep into our bloodstream. A 'zap'to the 'behind the ear pressure point', done by "Ken", opened my eyes to a brighter view. The Celebrex we each consumed early that morning, without the pulmonary embolism side effects, was still adrift in our muscles. We eventually got on the mat...sure as not to 'show off' to the less fortunate people that don't know or get to play Hapkido.
Actively Waiting is synonymous with preparation. There is no idle. There is no pause or stall. One's mindset determines the flow of one's body; direction; choice. How one maneuvers through life can be a result of 'active waiting'. I realized upon returning to my apartment last night, that, waiting has been an issue with me. I have focused too much on the tiny view on the blurry horizon that I have missed some great things, which were quite visible, standing before me.
The rest of my life will be actively waiting for things to occur in their due time. And once they appear...I'll have prepared myself to receive them.
Waiting for the right moment can be quite pleasurable. Being able to not force an issue or create an internal havoc when it comes to a self-imposed time-line was freeing. I "waited" for quite a few things this past weekend. Some blatantly obvious and others, trivial and metaphoric. As I sit here in the quiet of my apartment, the thought of waiting is no longer scary. Slightly bittersweet, but nonetheless, sweet.
We sat there, on two chairs, facing the young TKD kids class going on. Both of us were tired from the talk-fest of the night before. We had the desire to get on the mat and play, but we waited. The snacks we had consumed earlier we given a bit more time to seep into our bloodstream. A 'zap'to the 'behind the ear pressure point', done by "Ken", opened my eyes to a brighter view. The Celebrex we each consumed early that morning, without the pulmonary embolism side effects, was still adrift in our muscles. We eventually got on the mat...sure as not to 'show off' to the less fortunate people that don't know or get to play Hapkido.
Actively Waiting is synonymous with preparation. There is no idle. There is no pause or stall. One's mindset determines the flow of one's body; direction; choice. How one maneuvers through life can be a result of 'active waiting'. I realized upon returning to my apartment last night, that, waiting has been an issue with me. I have focused too much on the tiny view on the blurry horizon that I have missed some great things, which were quite visible, standing before me.
The rest of my life will be actively waiting for things to occur in their due time. And once they appear...I'll have prepared myself to receive them.
Waiting for the right moment can be quite pleasurable. Being able to not force an issue or create an internal havoc when it comes to a self-imposed time-line was freeing. I "waited" for quite a few things this past weekend. Some blatantly obvious and others, trivial and metaphoric. As I sit here in the quiet of my apartment, the thought of waiting is no longer scary. Slightly bittersweet, but nonetheless, sweet.
Monday, February 14, 2011
2010 sucked!!
Ah, 2011...how do I love thee
Its February already. Valentine's Day to be exact and luckily, no 4 page love poems!!
Don't misunderstand my words for bitterness. I have just managed to make peace with my life as a single woman. I believe once every woman can make her peace with this, they can move forward, onto bigger and better things!!! Speaking of better things, I have much to tell, but in due time.
First, I must rehydrate and sleep...and become mobile again...aarrrgh!
Its February already. Valentine's Day to be exact and luckily, no 4 page love poems!!
Don't misunderstand my words for bitterness. I have just managed to make peace with my life as a single woman. I believe once every woman can make her peace with this, they can move forward, onto bigger and better things!!! Speaking of better things, I have much to tell, but in due time.
First, I must rehydrate and sleep...and become mobile again...aarrrgh!
Wednesday, September 08, 2010
Stop playing the victim
Still working on the balance.
I just returned from Korea. A very informative and fast paced trip. There are aspects of Korea that I admire, and then, there are some I don't wish to adopt. We heard many a thing on the history of South Korea. From my perspective, it would seem that Korea, or rather the individual that guided us, told the history of Korea from a more biased perspective. What I took away from it was the fact that they were "the victim", "the underdog", so-to-speak. I recognized that they had come from a hard life in the past, but I failed to recall anything that signified that they were now vibrant and moving forward. It was plain to see that life progressed past its former state, but that was not how the history lessons portrayed the sentiment. And, through all of this, I can't help but recognize such portrayals of myself to others.
I had a breakdown of sorts. During a two minute demonstration of my HKD, I did not perform flawlessly. I simply went through the motions. I blanked out during one technique and forgot where I was and what I was doing. Shame and embarrassment overcame me in that instant...and I did not recover. After 3 years of participating in HKD, I felt that I did awful...and I don't believe that to be overstating it. In comparison, I was playing the victim. I mentally ran over every excuse as to why I am not the 'flash and trash' type of HKD player, when in actuality, that was never an issue. I was "a victim" because I didn't have the right attitude. The shame came from knowing that I didn't practice enough back at my dojang. The embarrassment came from knowing that I performed less than what my teacher has complimented me on..and what he has bragged about me to others.
He told me afterward that I didn't embarrass he or Master Thomas with my performance...but I was still feeling awful because I should have never allowed such to occur. I should have practiced enough. I should have been in the present, instead of the past. I should have practiced what I preached to the white belts.
So, now...the important thing for me to do is to change. To not be the victim. I need to start to change into what I "should" be. And that may involve dropping everything else that is irrelevant to the big picture.
I just returned from Korea. A very informative and fast paced trip. There are aspects of Korea that I admire, and then, there are some I don't wish to adopt. We heard many a thing on the history of South Korea. From my perspective, it would seem that Korea, or rather the individual that guided us, told the history of Korea from a more biased perspective. What I took away from it was the fact that they were "the victim", "the underdog", so-to-speak. I recognized that they had come from a hard life in the past, but I failed to recall anything that signified that they were now vibrant and moving forward. It was plain to see that life progressed past its former state, but that was not how the history lessons portrayed the sentiment. And, through all of this, I can't help but recognize such portrayals of myself to others.
I had a breakdown of sorts. During a two minute demonstration of my HKD, I did not perform flawlessly. I simply went through the motions. I blanked out during one technique and forgot where I was and what I was doing. Shame and embarrassment overcame me in that instant...and I did not recover. After 3 years of participating in HKD, I felt that I did awful...and I don't believe that to be overstating it. In comparison, I was playing the victim. I mentally ran over every excuse as to why I am not the 'flash and trash' type of HKD player, when in actuality, that was never an issue. I was "a victim" because I didn't have the right attitude. The shame came from knowing that I didn't practice enough back at my dojang. The embarrassment came from knowing that I performed less than what my teacher has complimented me on..and what he has bragged about me to others.
He told me afterward that I didn't embarrass he or Master Thomas with my performance...but I was still feeling awful because I should have never allowed such to occur. I should have practiced enough. I should have been in the present, instead of the past. I should have practiced what I preached to the white belts.
So, now...the important thing for me to do is to change. To not be the victim. I need to start to change into what I "should" be. And that may involve dropping everything else that is irrelevant to the big picture.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Live spherically...and without abandon
Six months in...
Enough has occurred in the last six months that I can recognize a shift/change in myself. I am not sure if it is age combined with wisdom, or if it is simply the truth surfacing. Being solitary is no longer scary. Being different from the average isn't as lonely. Being... has become a lot easier. I have also noticed a parallel between my training and my life.
In my training, I have been seeking to find myself in the movements. Searching for the nuances that make my HapKiDo distinct from other Black Belts. The phrase is "Make it your own." Often times, I wondered to myself, 'how?' It was clear that I didn't know who I was, in or out of the dojang. My shortened, stunted movements are my unsureness showing through. My insecurities are visible in my finishing techniques. My inability to 'flow' demonstrating my unwillingness to let go. Normally, I would be wound up so tight after having recognized all these roadblocks, but that is not the case anymore. In recognizing them, I realize I have to trust them. Believe in them. Nurture them. I am where I need to be..to change and grow.
In my everyday life, I have been expressing a need to cut from the pack and reach for hopes and wishes and dreams that were once mere ideas. Again, the three same roadblocks affect this aspect of my life as well. Being unsure, insecure and stagnant kept me from moving forward. I would approach a new rung on the ladder of my goal and find myself worried about the distance I have already traveled...the possibility of instability the higher I rose. I found my desires abate because of the slightest resistance, and I would wonder if I was completely wrong from the beginning. That maybe, I was chasing the wrong dream. But, that wasn't the case. You see, my goals and dreams were correct because they were mine. What was missing was balance.
Balance, what I have learned, is what I needed the most to achieve these new goals. Moving forward, upward or outward to achieve a goal is good. But each cannot sustain alone. The balance of moving in three directions not only provides a solid base, it will lend itself to a finite point that is deliberate in its aim to the target.
Forward: continuing with the next technique regardless of the last technique performed...as time and perserverence will lend it self to proper form and technique.
Upward: seeking more wisdom and knowledge from those ahead of me that will help to shape my techniques, of which will soon become my own.
Outward: Share. Share what I have learned, express what I have learned and live what I have learned on a daily basis.
By doing all three, on a daily basis, I will not only make my HapKido 'my own', but my life will be 'all my own'.
Enough has occurred in the last six months that I can recognize a shift/change in myself. I am not sure if it is age combined with wisdom, or if it is simply the truth surfacing. Being solitary is no longer scary. Being different from the average isn't as lonely. Being... has become a lot easier. I have also noticed a parallel between my training and my life.
In my training, I have been seeking to find myself in the movements. Searching for the nuances that make my HapKiDo distinct from other Black Belts. The phrase is "Make it your own." Often times, I wondered to myself, 'how?' It was clear that I didn't know who I was, in or out of the dojang. My shortened, stunted movements are my unsureness showing through. My insecurities are visible in my finishing techniques. My inability to 'flow' demonstrating my unwillingness to let go. Normally, I would be wound up so tight after having recognized all these roadblocks, but that is not the case anymore. In recognizing them, I realize I have to trust them. Believe in them. Nurture them. I am where I need to be..to change and grow.
In my everyday life, I have been expressing a need to cut from the pack and reach for hopes and wishes and dreams that were once mere ideas. Again, the three same roadblocks affect this aspect of my life as well. Being unsure, insecure and stagnant kept me from moving forward. I would approach a new rung on the ladder of my goal and find myself worried about the distance I have already traveled...the possibility of instability the higher I rose. I found my desires abate because of the slightest resistance, and I would wonder if I was completely wrong from the beginning. That maybe, I was chasing the wrong dream. But, that wasn't the case. You see, my goals and dreams were correct because they were mine. What was missing was balance.
Balance, what I have learned, is what I needed the most to achieve these new goals. Moving forward, upward or outward to achieve a goal is good. But each cannot sustain alone. The balance of moving in three directions not only provides a solid base, it will lend itself to a finite point that is deliberate in its aim to the target.
Forward: continuing with the next technique regardless of the last technique performed...as time and perserverence will lend it self to proper form and technique.
Upward: seeking more wisdom and knowledge from those ahead of me that will help to shape my techniques, of which will soon become my own.
Outward: Share. Share what I have learned, express what I have learned and live what I have learned on a daily basis.
By doing all three, on a daily basis, I will not only make my HapKido 'my own', but my life will be 'all my own'.
Friday, April 09, 2010
"I" in Team??
I have found that since getting my Black Belt, I have experienced instances in which I have lost my humility. I begin to feel strong and vibrant an alive, full of that spirit that i had as a young and hopeful woman, only to be reminded that I have overstepped my place...again. These moments are made clear to me in the most subtle ways, which are the worst. I'd much rather be yelled at or maybe not given room to be bold. I like to teach, but who am I to teach at 1st Dan. I only grasped basic motion...not the techniques, as it were. If I had, I wouldn't have made the mistake of teaching something that Chief wasn't teaching. I wouldn't have confused the junior belts. I lost my sense of humility...and, unfortunately, it isn't isolated to the dojang.
I try my hardest to be cool about things...I haven't complained or argued over things as I had before. I am trying to just go with the flow. I'm not really sure how to balance it all. I can't ask anyone..I just get blank stares. How does one handle the need to fix things, to make things right, to be clear in method and approach? How does one stay true to one's self and still be team player? (Its amazing how the week started out on a high...then sunk to a new depth)
I try my hardest to be cool about things...I haven't complained or argued over things as I had before. I am trying to just go with the flow. I'm not really sure how to balance it all. I can't ask anyone..I just get blank stares. How does one handle the need to fix things, to make things right, to be clear in method and approach? How does one stay true to one's self and still be team player? (Its amazing how the week started out on a high...then sunk to a new depth)
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