Giving with expectations will leave you disappointed.

"...the Ungrateful Bastard!" said my frustrated co-worker to her peers during a break. "I made sure he was taken care of mentally as well as physically and he can't even give me an ounce of respect, thanks...or show me love?! He only calls me when he wants some money."
"Well," said the male co-worker, "that's your fault. If you did all those things with the expectation of getting something back, you did them for the wrong reasons." Her answer was silence.

I sat across the room, listening to the exchange. I have come to learn that when you give expecting to get, disappointment is sure to be what is received. Conditions are conjured up as to how the 'gift' should be received. Scenarios are mentally rehearsed and choreographed and should be abided. At the moment of truth, expectations are fulfilled and you are left feeling betrayed when in reality, you never offered a gift...you offered a non-negotiable deal.

Interestingly, I found a parallel in my Martial Art training. I willful offered my time and enthusiasm to learning HapKiDo for the past two years. I devoted myself to the learning and planned my life's schedule around it. Of late, I found myself disenchanted and non-plussed at the idea of receiving a black belt at the end of the year. I did not feel ready. I did not feel that I have grasped the techniques boldly and consistently enough to confidently say "I am a Black Belt." I gave expecting to get. Although I knew being a Black Belt meant that NOW I was ready to learn HapKiDo and that I would be considered a 'student'; I expected to demonstrate everything I had learned with little to no mistakes. I simply could not get past this condition I had set forth in my own head.

I spoke with a colleague about the matter and in a roundabout way, I expressed my feelings about the approaching test. "You're looking at it all wrong," he said matter-of-factly. "Imagine you're a painter. You see the different colours and hues and the separate strokes you perform to make the painting. Now, imagine yourself as the art lover, who is in the gallery standing before the finished work of art. Yes, the different colors can be seen and the thousands of strokes used to create the forms...but they are all seen collectively as one picture...and it works. The picture is conveyed through the individual parts that result in the whole." I sat there hearing his words, but not necessarily relating them to my training. "At yellow belt, each movement is broken down into sub-steps. Then, at orange, the steps are combined to flow. Now, at Red belt, you've surpassed the sub-steps and steps, your "parts" are now within the "whole". (I literally felt the clouds part in my mind.) And to think...this was coming from one of my orange belts...

I had two ephiphanies today: First, giving of myself to the training should be purely for the enjoyment. The natural development of consistent practice and the absolute joy that is felt when performing the techniques and teaching will be automatic. Second, stepping back to see the whole picture gave me better insight of who I am as well as how far I have come in my training...and my life.
Thanks Eddie!