I have issues. I admit it. Some are of my own creation, others developed unconsciously. Allow me to explain.
I will subject myself to honesty at this moment, because it is too exhausting to lie or tell half-truths. I was slightly disappointed that I couldn't see my friend in Chicago. She had taken it upon herself to try and pick me up at the airport - all the way from Grand Rapids, Michigan. We were early, she was late. Trying to maneuver through the traffic to get to downtown was torture as she had her two toddlers in tow. So she forgoed seeing me to get them back home to eat dinner. I don't blame her, but I was disappointed. All through the run, I found myself searching the faces for any glimpse of her or maybe someone from my past that was there. I've encountered many people in my travels, but I doubt I met enough to know at least 1 out of every 40,000 strangers.
The music did help during the run, but I found it progressively hard to listen to the Rocky soundtrack. Not because it was getting old, but I hold a soft spot for that character and movie. All Rocky ever wanted to do was go the distance. I have experienced different things and learned how to overcome small obstacles, but none of it was for a solo victory. Every choice affected other people, in some form or fashion, but this marathon was only going to affect me. Whether I finished or not, I would be the one to live with the memory. I have watched Rocky enough to be able to tell you what scene is accompanied by which song. At mile 25, I heard the music. The exact moment of the music is the scene in which Rocky is fighting Apollo with everything he's got - blow for blow. The match is over and Rocky has done what he set out to do - finish. It took everything I had not to breakdown in tears on that straightaway. I tried very hard to mask the hyperventilating that was going on as my throat tightened, closing off the oxygen supply. I didn't want anyone to see me cry. (My Mother had told me not to let anyone see you cry because they'll feel pity for you. My Father said crying shows weakness. I guess it stuck.)
By the time I pushed back the tears the song had changed. I was still looking for familiar faces from my past. At the top of the hill I resigned to the fact that it was going to be just me. I am aware that I have aided in making my life this way. Ironically, most of the time I like being by myself. I have a loner nature. But for some reason, I wanted someone there. Someone who knew me before the Marathon venture, so I had documentation of another form. The finish was bittersweet, no offense Melissa.
It's just seems easier, most of the time, to keep a distance for when I decide to leave and move away. No close ties, no tears. I enjoyed being a part of something bigger than me. Some of you were like sisters, others like mothers - some were Really like mothers! I didn't mind.
I don't think I'll do another marathon with the group, but I will still run some more in the future. Thanks for letting me pour my heart out, rant and be crazy.