High-Class Stalker Seeks Cultured,Half-Crazy Woman with Hamhock Thighs...and Benefits.

Hello Everyone!

I have survived the Bob Coleman 10K. Who the hell is Bob, anyway? (Forgive me, I am distracted by some man trying to pick up a woman a few computers down - not sure he's making any headway, but 'tis the season, right?...I think she just got duped into giving him her email - she thinks the conversation is about business and I am sure by the way he is swaying his hips in front of her that he is thinking of a whole different kind of business. Ah, well...no guts-no glory.)

My stalker. I think I saw him as I started up the hill for my morning run. I think he has lost interest. Is it because of the extra weight? Is the thrill gone? I mean, he's no rocket scientist...
He doesn't even pause or linger mysteriously anymore, he just revs his engine and hightails it to work, I assume. What's a girl gotta do in this town to get stalked? I used to get honked at too! It must be the weight. My hair is growing back, I've got the pre-pubescent break-outs under control. What!?! I even had the capri tights on...I was showing a little leg and he zoomed right on by. Wait...maybe he's changed cars. There was a 4-door sedan stalled at a stop sign at the last hill. Looked like an Altima. Maybe my stalker is moving up in the world. I have a high class stalker! (I wonder... if he smells anything like those candles I bought at Kristen's party...fahgeddabouit.)

Anyhoo, let me tell you about this yoga class I took at Butterfly Yoga. I got there early and no one was there. I checked my watch to make sure I had the right day. Shortly, a woman pulled up, and with her windows still pulled up, she began to ask me if there was a class? (Yes, I know) I winced to convey a "What?" She then realized her error and pressed the button that connected our two worlds. After enlightening her, I focused on the dutiful task of organizing the junk in my car. When I looked up, she was at the entrance showing me she had a key and motioning for me to 'come on in'. We did the informalities, sign in, find a spot and sit and wait. Before long, the instructor showed up and so did 7 other people.
Before we got started, one of the other newbies asked if the class could finish before 7pm since she had to meet someone for a movie. "Absolutely, we are only here to serve you, your divaness." Ugh! About three minutes into sitting cross-legged, my left leg from the knee down falls entirely asleep. (For those of you who don't have big thighs, let me explain what had occurred. When the knee bends at greater than a 90 degree angle on a fat hamhock of a leg, AND when you place the other hamhock on top of that , oxygen-suppling arteries get pinched off like a water hose bent in half to stop the flow. If you can save the limb before the needles start, things are fine, but if you can't, then it immediately goes numb. [Dear God, if I do a downward facing dog now, it will be literal.] ) Here now is the trick: to move that limb when you there is no feeling and no oxygen supplying the muscle to MOVE the leg. Much like a washing machine on slow, I rocked my hips left and right ever so quietly - I had shorts on and the tell-tale sound of skin unsticking from the mat was what I was trying to avoid - and, oh, there it moved a little. I looked around to see if anyone noticed or rather if there leg was asleep too. No hip rocking going on. The girl next to me was already contorted like a pretzel...show off! Luckily we had to go to all fours next, so the leg was saved as well as my pride. And all my joints only popped for the first few minutes. We did various poses - level 1- and I did them the best I could. One involved one leg bent in front of you while the other was extended straight behind you and then you fold forward. "Forehead to he floor," was the instructor's instruction. He failed to instruct my legs to do that. He came around and help to adjust us if need be, and somehow, on a exhale, my forehead was on the floor. There was joy for a moment, until I thought, 'How the hell am I gonna get out this pose now?' Who know that stretching would be so strenous.
Anyway, I loved the class. Wish I could take it all the time, but it gets expensive if you want someone to tell you which way to fold. For you skeptics afraid to try yoga, you already know the moves:
Pose one - forward bend...facing away from the mirror, bend fwd and view your newly lifted derrier between your legs.
Pose two - warrior pose...while holding reaching for the ice cream, reach for the spoon as well.
Pose three- trunk twist...when your kids are acting up while your driving and you reach back to pop them upside the head.
Pose four - dead man's pose... lying in bed, usually right before the alarm goes off.

See, half of you can already do the first level! I'm so proud of you...
Now, go tell people you're cultured.

L8R, Crazy